Hey all!

Love that you Tweet now.  My ? is… what’s the deal with Mormons?

Thx!
Thaddeus

—–

Buddha:  Ooooh!  You done did it now!  We’ll let Jesus Christ himself handle this one.

Jesus:  Look, I never went to what you all call America.  I was nailed to a cross, for my sake!  Not exactly a hanglider.  And all that stuff about Joseph Smith using gold plates to translate the word of God is horseshit.  If God wanted you to understand him, don’t you think he’d speak English?  Write in a language you can understand?

Yes.

Si.

Oui.

Duh!

So, to answer your question, we have no idea what’s up with the Mormons, but it’s a shame that bug up their collective asses had to die.

JC

- Sent from my iPhone –

Is masturbation a sin?  If so, what kind of punishment am I looking at?  For reference, we’re talking three times a day.  Minimum.

Handy Andy in Tallahassee

—

Dear Handy Andy,

No punishment whatsoever.  Would we have made it feel so good if it wasn’t good for you?  We think not.  So go fuck yourself.

BAH-ZING!

- Buddha

Why do people say “Holy Shit?” Where did this expression come from and does it make you angry when people say it?

Thanks,
Blasphemer in Omaha

—–

Fear not and say what you will.  Swear words don’t hurt our ears. All of creation is an expression of us, so how can we be repulsed by any of it? This goes for all smells, sights, sounds, feelings and tastes that you can perceive with your physical senses.

And “Holy Shit” comes from our butts, silly!

- Tzu Tzu Riot

Dear Jesus,

I didn’t want to write because I don’t want anyone to know my name, but I have a serious problem.  I’m 11 and my church tells me that the only way to get into heaven is to give my heart to you.   Can you tell me what that means? Does that mean followers of other gods go to hell? I really want to get into heaven, but I want my best friend to get in too. And he’s Jewish.  Please don’t say anything to my mom.

- Anonymous in Alabama

—–

Hi Michael.

Ye, you’ll avoid the fires of Hell if you realize, as Aerosmith did, that life is a journey – not a destination. Heaven is inside you and all around you… it’s not a far away place. And this idea of Hell being a fiery punishment after death is total crap.

As for who to follow, let me explain it as simply as possible. We deities are all one with each other.  We pretty much all live in the same neighborhood, like the Desperate Housewives but without the Botox.   We all get along, we laugh together and we love each other like family.  Humans are created just like that too – all lovey dovey and shit – but somewhere along the line, it’s taught out of you.

So to answer your question, in my Dad’s grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter… follow me, follow Muhammad, follow Buddha – doesn’t really matter.

Just don’t follow too closely or I’ll flick a booger on your windshield!

–Sent from my iPhone–

Muhammad,

Do you really give a damn about your image appearing in things like those newspaper cartoons?

Wondering in Salinas

—–

“Nah.”

Dear Guys/Girls,

Am I your first question?!? That would be amazing!

Ok, here’s my question. I am a 21 year old female college student and I have an insane crush on a T.A. in my History of African Civilization class. He’s everything I want in a man, but he doesn’t seem to respond to me when I flirt with him. My roommate, who is in the same class, says she thinks he’s probably gay, but I don’t think so. I think he’s just afraid of doing something inappropriate and losing his position.

I know lust is a sin and all that, but I really want to see if this could turn into more than a student-T.A. relationship. My questions are: 1. Can you tell me if he is gay? And 2. If he’s not gay, got any advice about how I can make him fall in love with me?

Thanks in advance,
Hot for Teacher

—–

Buddha shall address your question, Hot for Teacher.

“Welcome, Child. You are, indeed, the first question we chose to answer. Allow me to enlighten you.

I/We have never understood this whole concept of ‘falling in love.’ Why must this journey to romantic love end in a cliff? This isn’t Thelma & Louise. Nor is it the Cliffhanger game on The Price is Right.

Love is all around you and is the essence of everything. Such a preoccupation with finding love in only one person will cause you nothing but heartache for this lifetime. Trust.

My/Our advice is to love yourself, radiate that love outward, and develop a better gaydar because your friend is correct… your T.A. likes the cock.”

Ha ha hee hee ho ho,
Budes